More Funny Things I've Heard

Funny things I've heard recently:

Me: Why does Victoria Beckham always look so upset in pictures?
Dry Wit Person: It's because she's so hungry all the time.

Dry Wit Person also told me that a character actor whose name I cannot remember was asked who was the strangest person he'd ever worked with and he said Tom Cruise. No surprise there, but when asked to further explain the actor said:

"He's the biggest homophob I've ever met. We'd be sitting around between shoots and he'd be like 'This is good ice cream. Sure glad there's no gays around.'"

Somehow that was much funnier when Dry Wit Person told it, but I'm gonna leave it here because, well, the delete button is all the way up there.

Guy Who Is Very Often At My Workplace: Who is that guy who played for Chicago? Man, he could jump. I seen him jump from the free throw line and dunk. He's really good. What's his name?
Sports Editor (confused): Michael Jordan? Are you talking about Michael Jordan?
GWIVOAMW: Michael Jordan. Yeah.

My girlfriend sends me the most awesome internet stuff of all time. The backlog is too numerous at this point, but I think I'll start sharing some of the goodness on here in the upcoming posts. Here's a sample, and here. Envy me for having such a badass cool chick. I can feel you envying me and it feels good.

Michael Jordan. Damn.

The Funny Dinner.

Had an interesting dinner with some awesome folks recently. Some funny things I heard during this most awesome dinner:

"My tongue...there's breath on my tongue."

"I always check for raccoons in my backseat when I get in my car. Like it's a serial raccoon or something and hiding in the back seat."

"Oh, you've been married three times. That's nice, that's nice. Hey, who are we to say anything about your hobbies?"

These folks rock. Simple as that.

Go With the Dark Flow.

I sleep four hours a day. If I say any more it will be nothing more than childish whining.

But really, four hours, sometimes three. Okay, I'm done.

Honestly, I shouldn't complain. Sleeping so little leaves me in a state of dull and blur that is pretty close to being drunk all the time. Who wouldn't want that?

Lately I've been surfing around reading a lot about DARK FLOW and 2012. Both scare the hell out of me. The hell runs straight away and out of me every time. But the universe scares me in general. If I look at the sky long enough I can feel first confusion creeping in and then concern and finally fear. It has always been this way, but worse since I learned of DARK FLOW. Read about it, if you dare.

And what can I say about 2012? I sure would liked to have accomplished a little more before the world came to an end. I know, the Mayan calender had to end somewhere. I heard about the Mayan elder ancestor dude who recently said during an interview that the only thing the end of the calender meant was that it was time to buy a new calender.

But still.

Those Mayans knew a few things, people. I'm just saying.

A few things people have said I found, you know, funny:

"Phil Spector looks like he has a tumbleweed on his head."

"He can't help how his face looks." -- (Immediate response after being told critics were saying Clint Eastwood had become a parody of himself in Gran Turino).

R: I used to live in a building that was an old hospital.
A: Was it haunted?
R: Probably, there were a lot of plug-ins.

Andoraleesena (Not her real name): My daughter did the strangest thing recently. I came into our bedroom and she had taken all the pictures down off the wall and stacked them on the bed.

Me: That is strange.

Andoraleesena: Then she squatted and pissed all over them.

Me: .......

Okay cats and kittens. Remember: You can like something without loving it and you can love something without liking it and also you should know that off-white paint is on sale at Wal-Mart today so buy some and also take a phone with a camera on it or something so you can get a few pics while there to post them here.

Okay?